Doing Big Things and Facing Fear Head-On

“We are now in the mountains and they are in us, kindling enthusiasm, making every nerve quiver, filling every pore and cell of us.”—John Muir

I am a mountain kind of girl. I love to hike, and I love getting to the top of a mountain. But, despite the joy I feel standing at the top of any mountain where I truly feel as if I have conquered the world, I now get the same feeling while swimming around under the ocean’s surface. It’s like having the world’s largest aquarium before my eyes, and after getting down to the 55 feet where I was seeing not yet bleached coral, fish I’ve only seen behind glass, and even a shark, I couldn’t wait to get back down.

Here’s the story though. I tried to get certified once in Panama City, Fla., and it was a failure of epic proportions. For those who do have diving certifications, you’ll know what I am talking about. Open-water certification requires passing tests, and not just the ones on a computer. Passing each test means you are simulating a diving emergency—getting your regulator knocked out of your mouth, having your mask fill up with water, running out of air, etc. These are all scenarios that kind of put me in panic mode. 

Why? Because years ago, I almost drowned. Like legit took in a ton of water and wasn’t able to breathe and wasn’t sure I was going to make it drown. So, naturally, my fear of drowning is heightened. Now these tests are to ensure that you, the diver, don’t freak out in an emergency and actually can do what is needed to save yourself. However, on that first go, my anxiety got the best of me. As I took water in, I immediately shifted to let’s get the hell out of the water mode and couldn’t complete the tasks. For those reasons, the dive shop wouldn’t let me continue. 

Try #2 went a little better because I was working with a very patient dive master who ran his shop out of a quarry, so I wasn’t dealing with current and visibility issues like the first time. He was patient (and understanding) and let me go at my own pace. After several Sunday afternoons spent going through the tests, I passed. I went back for another day and got certified in underwater photography and left feeling confident and enthusiastic. I couldn’t wait to go to a reef or actual dive spot. 

Then COVID. Need I say more?

But, when planning my trip to the Turks and Caicos, I knew I wanted to give it a try. I’m adventurous, I like climbing mountains, and I hate being beat by fear. So I signed up, paid my $200 for a two-tank dive and did a lot of research on the dive company and dive sites. The night before my big day, I was back in anxiety, talk me off the ledge mode. I even got on zoom with a friend and colleague who is a dive expert with the hopes his pep talk would get me in the needed head space for the next day. I watched a. 38-minute YouTube video refresher on diving and went to sleep hoping Tropical Storm Fred would shift west and all would be fine. 

The tropical storm didn’t totally shift but the dive operators were confident it would be fine. I spent an anxious hour on a choppy boat ride telling myself there was no shame in sitting it out. But as we got closer to the dive site—Eel Garden—I just started putting on the gear, as if a robot following along with the group. I knew I could always bail, so why not? I had told myself if the dive masters were going to make us do the practice tests, I’d just pop back up and get back on the boat. 

I was the last one standing on the end of the boat ready to step off into the Caribbean Sea. The dive master who was accompanying us on dive #1 waited behind me. 

“Are you ok,” she asked. 

“Mostly,” I replied. 

“It’s ok if you aren’t,” she said, “but let’s get in the water and figure it out.”

And I took that step off. Within a matter of one minute, we had done a buoyancy check and then she sent us down. I almost didn’t have enough time to worry about drowning. 

But, what my dive instructor Mark had taught me, started kicking in. 

And, my daughter’s words that morning—don’t forget to breathe—stuck with me. 

Within a few minutes, I was down at 34 feet, and the dive master was pointing out fish and coral and plants. After a few minutes, we swam over to the edge of the shelf where the reef dropped down 1,000 feet. It looked dark down there, but as I turned to face the reef, the light was hitting  it just right and it was magical. The blues, yellows, oranges, and greens were everywhere. Fish, an occasional reef shark, and the coral. It was amazing. The dive master, Helen, pointed in the direction of an eel but I kept my distance. I was at 65 feet and doing ok and didn’t want to introduce any trouble into the situation (huge fear of snakes and anything remotely resembling snakes). 

We swam around for about 45 minutes before being sent up for the safety stop. When I climbed up onto the boat’s ladder, I felt like a queen. I was so proud of myself and I was so happy I took that step, literally. 

For me, fear can be gripping. I almost drown years ago and I’m not sure I’ll ever completely get beyond that. However, I did find a way to work through it and find a way to not let fear keep me from doing amazing things, 

Sometimes, it takes more than sheer will to get through it. For me, I had my diver friend and diver daughter who talked me through it and both were excited beyond words that I did it. 

The point is, we can do amazing things even when they seem scary or hard or even impossible. We literally place the Iimits on ourselves. Fear is valid, and it’s important to acknowledge it so we don’t do stupid things. But, fear shouldn’t tighten its hold so much that we can’t see our best selves. This trip and this experience taught me so much about myself, and I spent several days reflecting on every minute of it where I felt like I had done something brave or challenging. I believe I am a strong (and strong-willed), independent, capable, intelligent human being. But, that doesn’t mean that fear doesn’t creep into my head at times. Fear can be crippling, but I feel like all of us who are out there taking these solo trips, exploring on our own, adventuring on our own, and being ok with it already have a jump on the fear. 

After my solo trip to the Turks and Caicos and my wonderful dive experience with @DiveProvo, I’m more excited than ever to return to the ocean and explore the wonders underneath the surface. 

“The beauty and mystery of the ocean fills our lives with wonders vast beyond our imagination.” M.L. Borges